Grembert's Forgotten Tale
by RockSunner
Summary: Grembert the Yet-Not-Nicknamed was an obscure wizard who had dealings with the Ear Witch (the sister of the Hand Witch). What became of him, and what did he have to do with Gravity Falls? One-shot.


Grembert the Yet-Not-Nicknamed was an obscure wizard who had dealings with the Ear Witch (the sister of the Hand Witch). What became of him, and what did he have to do with Gravity Falls? All characters belong to Alex Hirsch, and to the anonymous writer on searchfortheblindeye. One-shot.

 **Grembert's Forgotten Tale**

Grembert stumbled out of the witches lair into the bright crowded marketplace, dodging three-headed chickens underfoot and massive dragon tongues for sale on hooks overhead. A goat chewed on his boots, and he kicked it away, irritated. How he hated goats!

Grembert was eager to get to the tower and accomplish his dark task. But first, he had to get past Deep Rich the Deafening, who had just spotted him. Deep Rich was there with his wizard entourage who followed him everywhere: Pifflebert the Passive-Agressive, Mirthimere the Easily-Amused, and Dan The-Constantly-Scratching-Himself-In-Inappropriate-Places-But-Dont-Mention-It-Because-His-Cat-Died-Recently-And-He-Could-Use-A-Break.

"Grembert!" thundered Deep Rich, raising his walking stick in delight. "I haven't seen you in ages! And you never return my calls! And by 'calls' I of course mean when I stick my head out my window and scream your name!"

Everyone in earshot covered their ears, but Deep Rich was only half as deafening to Grembert as usual. That was a benefit of having his right ear taken by the Ear Witch, in exchange for the vial of purple potion which he now hastily hid behind his back.

"Oh, you know me, just busy," said Grembert innocently.

"I know why you avoid us. But you can't fight it, Grembert!" said Deep Rich in his booming voice, "Eventually, every wizard does something which defines him, and which becomes part of his name forever."

"Maybe we should call him Grembert the Nicknameless!" giggled Mirthimere the Easily Amused.

"No, no," blared Deep Rich The Deafening, "It must be more personal."

"Agreed!" added Dan the Constantly-Scratching-Himself, scratching his groin area feverishly.

"I'll have a nickname soon," retorted Grembert, "When tonight is through, you'll all know what to call me."

"You're up to something!" shouted Deep Rich.

But Grembert the Yet-Not-Nicknamed was already out the gate before they could stop him.

Grembert knew the tower would be unguarded. He had chosen the time well. Everyone of any status at all was away at Princess Twendeline's Sweet 16 Lip-Syncing performance.

Everyone, that is, except his chosen target. Princess Unattainabelle did not need to seek more status by been seen near her sister Twendeline; they were already equals. Besides, she was under the Curse of the Late Afternoon and Early Evening Naps, so she was always asleep at this time of day.

The King had offered a reward to anyone who could break this curse: half his kingdom and the hand of Princess Unattainabelle.

Grembert's research had led him to believe True Love's Kiss could break the curse. Unfortunately, Grembert knew he wasn't the True Love of the princess, and a kiss from him would only get him arrested and beheaded for assaulting royalty.

He wasn't her true love... yet. That was where the vial of glowing purple potion that had cost him an ear came in. One drop on each of her eyelids would cause her to fall in love with the next person she saw.

Grembert had to admit it to himself it was a dark deed, overriding her will and choice. But the advance in status outweighed his limited moral scruples. He would finally be someone. After tonight he would be known as Prince Grembert.

Grembert crept up the torch-lit spiral stairs of the tower. As Grembert thought, the social-climbing guards were absent. He entered the opulent bedroom of the beautiful napping princess and pushed back the pink hanging curtains of her four-poster bed. He put a drop of his potion on each of her eyelids.

He was about to kiss and wake her when he hesitated. Were the drops large enough to count? What if it wasn't enough? He had better put one more on each lid to be sure.

The moment he did this, the voice of the Ear Witch rang in his head. "I WARNED THEE."

It was from the side of his missing right ear, as if the witch was speaking into the ear and the sound was being transmitted to him.

"Sprinkle the potion only ONCE, or there will be ironic, horrifying consequences," said the Ear Witch.

"Wait, no!" pleaded Grembert.

"FOR THE FOOL WHO LISTENS, BUT YET CANNOT HEAR! BECOME THE CREATURE YOU MOST HATE AND FEAR."

Grembert's body shrank. A long ear grew back on his right side, but in compensation the horn that grew from his head on the left side was stunted and short. In an instant he had become a baby goat.

Grembert bleated in panic and ran down the tower stairs. Even if the princess saw him and fell in love with him as he was, he had no wish to be a pet.

He ran back through the gates and into the marketplace. Mirthimere the Easily-Amused saw the runaway goat and scooped him up. (The rest of the wizards had been distracted by Pifflebert the Passive-Agressive, who had emotionally blackmailed them into buying her a dragon tongue.)

"Oooh, you are the cutest thing," said Mirthimere. "You're just what I need. I'm about to go on a dimension-hopping journey, and you'll help me pay for a tourist attraction along the way."

* * *

In dimension 46'\ , Mirthimere lined up at the entrance of the Murder Hut with the other tourists, the baby goat in his arms.

"I've heard good things about this place from Ichabod the Invisible," said Mirthimere when he got to Stan Pines. "I want the full tour."

"Yeah? It's thirty bucks," said Stan.

"I don't have local currency, but I will give you this fine baby goat for the tour," said Mirthimere.

"Goat, shmoat," said Stan. "It's cash or nothing."

"B-but where I come from, every tradesman takes livestock," complained Mirthimere.

"Not here they don't," said Stan. "Now scram!"

When the tourist showed signs of balking, Stan called, "Durland, get me my shotgun."

His lanky handyman responded, "I don't know where it's at, Mr. Pines. But here's a broom. Will that do?"

Stan grabbed the broom with a snarl and brandished it at the wizard tourist. Mirthimere was so startled he dropped the goat, which ran for the woods.

"My goat!" cried Mirthimere.

"Beat it, nutcase!" shouted Stan.

Mirthimere was forced to retreat under an onslaught of blows from the broom.

* * *

Stan noticed the goat wandering around the property later in the day.

"Look, there's that goat that nutcase brought," he told Durland.

"Shall I drive it off, Mr. Pines?" asked Durland.

"Nah, let it stay. It's cute and it'll attract tourists with kids," said Stan.

"Let's call it Gompers," said Durland. "Because it gomps on everything."

"That's chomps," said Stan. "But whatever."

Grembert heard this and sighed to himself. He had a new name, but not the one he had hoped to make for himself. Gompers the Goat.

* * *

In the woods later that afternoon, the Gnome Queen pointed out the goat to her subjects.

"That is no ordinary creature," said the Queen. "It has magical powers, or it once did. When it gets a little older we shall appoint it the Fourth Forest Protector."

"Yes, your Majesty," said Jeff. "It shall be so."


End file.
